Season of Lent

Ash Wednesday is almost upon us. I saw an ad on cable for Mel Gibson's The Passion to be shown this Wednesday and am reminded of two years prior when my mom suggested I not watch the hugely successful box office hit because of disturbing images (I was pregnant with Sara then and as you well know, Chinese tradition suggests that pregnant women shouldn't really be getting themselves upset). I watched it a year later and am glad I didn't watch it when it was released. The depiction is really gruesome.

This Sunday past, the sermon was – surprise, surprise – about the season of Lent. There wasn't anything about it that was particularly enlightening in itself, but a few things came to mind as I listened to the priest. Firstly, I thought of The Paradox of Our Time, an entry by Niceheart about a passage she read by the same name. I thought of a line in that passage that talks about how we don't pray enough today. Secondly, one of the things the priest had said about how the attitude towards Lent today is so much more casual than it had been 50 or 60 years ago somehow stuck in my mind. He talked about how it isn't that people today say "No" to God, but that they just can't find it in themselves to say an emphatic "Yes". Thirdly, I thought of pride and arrogance. Sins that I often accuse many of and sins that I know I am just as guilty of, if not more so.

The second half of the sermon went on to talk about sacrifices for Lent. I realize that in recent years, I've grown very lax about that. In fact, I have grown lax about a good many things. I used to try so much harder and these days, I find convenient excuses not to even try. The priest was giving suggestions on small ways to make sacrifices and I felt like the suggestions were for me. Like it's time to take my faith seriously once more and try to make it back and beyond where I once was.

I am not a religious person, not by any stretch of the imagination, and that, perhaps, is the strangest thing about this post. I have never felt moved to write about religion (seriously, I mean) nor have I wanted to do something to change things in a very long time. No, I'm not about to become a Bible-thumping Christian, but perhaps I will once more remember why I chose to convert to this religion so many years ago. Perhaps this Lent is the time to try.

Cyberspace can be a wonderful place

I've been poked fun at by friends who think blogging is a real waste of time, for people with way too much time on their hands. I disagree – I think there's something to be learnt from blogging and from reading blogs, other than your own inflated sense of self-worth, of course. Since November last year, I've met a bunch of ladies online who run blogs of their own. Most are mothers, but not all; some work (at office or at home), some don't; some live in at home, while others far live away from home.

We all share the common interest in writing, that's for sure, and I think I can safely say we write for ourselves rather than for an audience. We like seeing the world through each other's eyes – the vastly different experiences in terms of choices made, everyday life, where home is and stages in life. It is a fun ride and sometimes it strikes me as funny how we can all be at different places and stages and yet, still all think the same way. Sometimes, I also find out how different we can be too, despite common backgrounds.

I suppose you're wondering what started this. I was seeking advice from Crazymommy about how she's managed to teach her toddler Mandarin despite being holed up somewhere on in the US. She's shown me a methodical and sensible approach based on observation of her own child. What I think, though, is that she's taught me more than just how to teach Sara Mandarin. She's taught me that I really should be observing Sara more before I attempt stuffing information down her throat in a haphazard and inconsistent manner. I've also learnt, just by reading Crazymommy's blog, that there is a lot more one can do with a toddler other than tearing your hair out. And, it can be as much fun for yourself as it is for your child. While in Tokyo, we were used to full schedules of school, baby groups, friends, walks and errands. I've never really had to keep Sara busy through the day on my own, not until we moved to Chicago recently. When that happened, I fell back on the one vice all mothers have been told to stay away from. In the short time we've begun our travelling, Sara has become a huge television addict and I still can't wean her away at this time because we are still living out of suitcases and have very limited toddler supplies (and places to go). I loathe having to drag extra baggage around, and hence, Sara has become greatly attached to the one varying source of entertainment – the TV.

Of course, now that this period of unsettlement is about to end, I am almost ready to heave a sigh of relief. She will be enrolled in school again, we will have resumption of routine and regular walks and she (and I) will get all her toys and books and other stuff back again. I may be being a little hard on myself, but referring once more to Crazymommy's approach, I realize that I've never really stopped to watch my child before. I did so today, taking the time to play with her and watch her, and for the first time, it wasn't a big drag to entertain Sara, as it normally is if she's not taken out. For that, I am truly grateful for having chanced upon Crazymommy's blog (as well as the many others, by the way) that few months ago – they have taught me to appreciate my child for the great learning and growing ball of fun that she is.

Going back to what I was trying to say, cyberspace is and can be a wonderful place, if it's not used and abused in the way we hear about way too often. We learn so much from each other, despite time and space. I may have waxed lyrical about Crazymommy and her blog, but I really see value in the other blogs I've chanced upon as well. I like to think that in a curious way, despite annonymity and distance, we are all there to learn from each other and cheer each other on.

How long do you want to live till?

We were having an interesting conversation last night. Danny was asking me how long I wanted to live.

Not that we think long life in itself is necessarily a good or bad thing, but the discussion was more about goal setting. If you think you want to live to a certain age, then you should be thinking about how you want to spend the remaining years of your life. All too often, we find that Asians are after the retirement dream. I suppose it's all to do with our culture, but everyone assumes you work, save up for retirement and you'd be so super lucky to call it quits by the time you turn 50 and have your kids support you. No one really stops to think exactly what you'd do upon achieving that retirement goal and if you do happen to live till you're 90, that's a good 40 years of doing…. what? Being retired?

The Westerners tend to have a different way of looking at things. Quite a few elderly people we have met over the years have gone on from career to career throughout their lives. For instance, the airport transfer we got while in London a few months ago was driven by an elderly gentleman who told us he had just started chauffering only 18 months before. He said he had stopped his earlier career because of health reasons. He was very well-spoken, so we had assumed it was a desk-job-type career he had had. As it turned out, he was a mover. And a mover for 20-odd years at that. Before that, though, he had been in sales – a desk job – for a reasonably long time too. Curiously, he found his second career just as interesting as he had with the first one, explaining that as a mover, he sometimes got sent to different places around Europe to pack for the uber rich. He also later ran his own moving business. He was certainly well-educated and well-spoken, so perhaps it is our own limited mindset that relegates physical work like moving to the poorly educated.

There was another gentleman we had met on our travels many years earlier. He and his wife ran a B&B and he was really quite old. We got to chatting and we learnt that he had actually done many things in his life, including being a stage actor, an antique watch repairman, and now, a B&B owner and operator.

There have been many examples we've either met or read about. So perhaps there is more to life than that one singular career we all talk about. That even after you've been doing the same thing for some 20 years, you can find new life elsewhere, and have a fulfilling second or even third career. Who's to know – one could even find one's "true calling" at the age of 50? I think the one requirement you have to have is the verve and the energy to continually find interesting new ways to challenge yourself. If you strive to live up to a hundred, think of how many careers you can put into that?

Religious education

I'm changing Sara's diaper – yeah, she should be on the potty, but all this moving around has thrown a spanner into the works.

She's lying quietly, with her legs straight down as I'm refastening the tabs. Then suddenly, she flings her arms out wide and yells, "Jeeee-sus!"

"Eh? What did you say?"

"JESUS!" And breaks into hopeless giggles.

I don't really think this is what the priest meant when he said we were to bring her up in the Faith….

2376 posts later….

We finally have a home!!! Or at least, we WILL have a home. We are about to sign a lease and I am relieved. Unfortunately, we can't move in for another month, but that's okay. At least we've secured something. While I hate living out of boxes, I will learn to be flexible – it's not so bad if I don't unpack in three days (which I normally do).

I have to admit it wasn't a WOW home for me, but it was for Danny. I liked another one in this area better, but on comparing the two, this one is more practical because of the layout of the place and the space (and storage) factor. All in all, however, it was quite amazing that we had gone so far down our list of choices in terms of areas to live and actually found two, not one, place that we both liked and could afford. Bottomline, we're both thrilled with the choice. We'll have to give up some stuff we wanted, and put up with some inconveniences, but in the grand scheme of things, it fits what we were looking so hard for.

I am thankful. Finally.

One downside of this place is the distance to the hospital where I am planning to deliver at. It'll be a little bit thrilling, I suppose, but my mom-in-law (a former maternity ward matron) tells me even with second babies, one doesn't deliver quite as quickly as they make it out to be. As long as I am vigilant and we know when labour kicks in in earnest, I should be off to the hospital. She, and my doctor, assure me I will have sufficient time to get to the hospital before Baby Number Two decides to make an appearance.

So now we bide our time, enjoying the city (finally) and the convenience of being in the centre of town, before we move out into the boondocks. I suppose it's like New Yorkers who loathe the idea of moving to Brooklyn. Where once we thought this area would be way too far away to be considered at all, we now find ourselves looking forward to it just because it's so much better for our family.

I think I can finally go for that pedicure that I've been telling everyone I was going to do. I can finally move on and give you something else to read about….

Tagged

Tagged by Niceheart.

4 jobs I've had in my life
1. Data entry temp
2. Receptionist
3. Researcher
4. Structurer

4 movies I could watch over and over again
1. Star Wars – all six count as one long movie, doesn't it?
2. Akira – perhaps not in quick succession, but I have watched this many times over many years
3. Usual Suspects – it's still the cleverest film I've ever watched
4. The Company – my secret wish to have made it into a ballet company

4 Places I've lived
1. Singapore
2. Cambridge, UK
3. Hong Kong
4. Tokyo

4 TV shows I love (and loved) to watch
1. Sex and the City
2. CSI – the Vegas series, not the rest
3. …hm… running out of ideas here
4. … definitely nothing else

4 Places I've been on vacation
1. Paris
2. Hawaii
3. California
4. Bangkok

4 websites I visit daily
1. Yahoo mail
2. Yahoo mail
3. Yahoo mail
4. Yahoo mail

4 of my favorite foods
1. Chwee kueh
2. Bubur hitam
3. Mee pok tah
4. Chicken rice

4 places I'd rather be right now
Like Niceheart, I'm actually quite happy where I am, but I'll give this a shot
1. In Singapore, in our fictional home, having our child/children enjoy having grandparents and cousins around each weekend
2. Big Island, Hawaii
3. San Francisco
4. New York, some gazillion years younger, no kids, just me and Danny living it up as yuppies dining out, watching plays and going to galleries. Ah yes. One can dream, no?

4 bloggers I'm tagging
1. Sesame
2. Domestic rat
3. ky
4. crazymommy

Losing it….

… and fast.

It's some ridiculous hour right now and I'm sitting here writing a post because I can't sleep. I swear – all this house hunting stress is really getting to me. I've already had a breakdown (or was it two?) and I'm feeling downright silly about it. Househunting has NEVER bugged me this much (please don't ask why it's taking so long – that'll be a whole post on its own if I felt inclined to devulge details). It seriously isn't a matter of life or death, neither does it warrant me chewing my nails and ranting at my husband for nearly blowing our chances at the last decent thing we saw. I'd like to blame hormones, but I know it's really all about my anal retentive tendencies to be well-prepared and have everything in place well before the new arrival comes.

R-E-L-A-X. Must learn to be flexible.

The worse thing is that I can feel myself physically slowing down. Getting exhausted much quicker. I can almost picture the baby coming early because I'd be bent over boxes unpacking well into my last month. And Sara, in the last three months of being dragged from city to city and apartment to apartment, has deteriorated from being an independent, routined little toddler who'd go to bed early without fuss ALONE, to one that has insinuated herself onto our bed and insists she have company till she falls asleep, some two hours after her "normal" bedtime. All that training, gone up in smoke. Poof.

I give up.

Okay, so I know I sound like the ultimate control freak, and in many ways, I am the ultimate control freak. I know the good Lord is trying to teach me to take it easy – He must be. My mom-in-law has been a saint – even after knowing I'd been yelling at her son, she kindly walked over to me and offered me a copy of the classifieds from the Chinese paper in a bid to help us with a bit of househunting herself. Better not use up too much points though – mother-in-law points are precious and one doesn't want to sqaunder it on silly behaviour like overemotional outbursts.

Elsewhere, we had a funny moment today. Sara's become this chatty little thing in the last few months of travelling. Today, she a long discourse about a train and it going "chugga-chugga-choo-choo". The rest of it was mostly gibberish, but we got the general gist. So I asked her where she was going and for a second there, she fell into silence, stumped. Then she brightened almost instantly and said, "Chi (pronounced "chi" like tai chi) -kah- goh!" I guess the previous week's conversations about where her Papa was ("Papa is in Chicago") seems to have sunk in some for her to figure out that Chicago is a place that one can take a train to.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

It’s been a tough week

I am rapidly sinking into hopeless dispair. AAAAAARRRRGHHHH!

Got… to… get… a… grip….

House hunting took a turn for the worse this week when we realized that at this current time, it is a landlord's market out there and negotiations with pathetic little market takers like ourselves just doesn't happen. What is worse, is that my Rock of Gibraltar (i.e. Danny) is on a business trip and while he's giving me encouragement over the phone and on email, I am all but ready to toss that towel in.

Can…. not…. give…. up….

But I look at my dear daughter and I know for her sake (and mine and Danny's, of course) that the search must go on.

Dammit, I'm 30 weeks and counting and with no permanent home in sight. Let's not even get into the fact that after we get a home and move in, there's all that unpacking of some 170 odd boxes to do.

Get…. a…. grip….

Elsewhere this week:

I've started to feel the panic about bird flu. It's in the headlines everyday. I've even started reading stuff up (I now know the word epizootic, do you?). Starting to feel quite paranoid. Like washing eggs before boiling for Sara and washing my hands after handling the raw eggs. Dammit, I swore I'd never succumb to paranoia, and yet, I feel it creeping on.

I finally had my hair cut. I will never take another recommendation from Danny. He tried this hairdresser and swore he was good. This is the second time I've listened to Danny about hairdressers. And both times he has failed me. I will not listen to him again. Phyllis, Evi, if you're reading this, I really wanted to try your hairdresser, but Danny insisted this guy was good. For anyone else reading this, keep your opinions about me listening to my husband's fashion advice to yourself. I don't need to hear it.

I had one of those "moments" this week where I realized what a nasty person I can be. I like to think I'm not one of those evil gossipers who can only imagine (and hope!) the worse, but I am and I did. And when it eventually came to light that it was nothing that I had imagined, and in fact that there was good news involved, I felt like a louse for having assumed what I did. This is how it feels to be smaller than your littlest toenail.

I finally discovered the beauty of Skype (thank you, Willy!). If you aren't a convert, CONVERT NOW! It's lovely. My parents also got themselves hooked up, so now, I can talk to my parents for FREE. Where have we been all this while? In the dark ages? Okay, anyone who already knows about Skype and having been using internet telephony for the last gazillion years, don't say a word. Just let me bask in my own cleverness, albeit delayed, for a while, will ya?

And finally, I've come to terms with the fact that Sara will be a kantang (potato), not because she has no exposure to Mandarin, but because I am a kantang. Oh, my Chinese tuition teacher of 10 odd years would be in tears if she heard me now. My mom-in-law is desparately trying to work some Mandarin into our everyday conversations with the little girl, but I can't bring myself to converse with Sara in Mandarin. I just don't know how to. It's like me trying to speak to my parents in Hakka. I just can't. I have to get over myself and try for her sake though. China's too big to ignore. Plus there's all that good stuff about knowing your culture too. But yeah, I'm just thinking economic benefit here, practical Singaporean parent that I am.

And now, back to property and name hunting on the web.

Apartment hunting

I hate apartment hunting.

Some people love looking at property. I am not one of them. It's like shopping to me. I don't care to shop. I always wish that I'd find exactly what I want in the very first place I walk into. I get easily irritated by the fact that it is so hard to find exactly what I'm looking for, that I tend to want to compromise on so many things just so that I can get the whole ordeal over and done with. Danny thinks I'm a rare female.

Back to apartment hunting. It's Day 5 of apartment viewing. We have already made a bid for one apartment and waiting to hear back from the landlord. We haven't stopped looking though – we want to be hit by that WOW feeling we got when we first saw our last home here in Hong Kong three years ago. I'll admit that getting that WOW feeling wasn't easy. Danny has much more patience and with that last apartment, he had viewed many before he had found that gem. I only went in at the end to give the nod. I suppose we compliment each other that way – he's the shopper and I'm the follower. That said, we both have our requirements and together, we can probably chalk up quite a list of criteria for the agent to consider. No one ever said we were easy clients. Either way, it's good that Danny's that much more persistent than I am – if it weren't for him, we'd be living in a hole because I'd give up searching within two days.

After today's trip though, Danny appears to be losing steam too. Perhaps we are after the Holy Grail of apartment hunting – love at first sight. Perhaps it doesn't always happen. And just because it doesn't, doesn't necessarily mean the apartment isn't right for us. Perhaps we're just being too idealistic.

I hate apartment hunting.

Names, names, names

Time is running out. We need to really come up with options for Baby Two soon, otherwise Baby Two will probably be christened Baby on his/her birth certificate.

I was just reading Chimney Sweep's post about the possibility of naming her upcoming daughter after a bowl of noodles. I think her daughter is due after our baby, and already they're getting on the job. Here we are, happily twiddling our thumbs and dragging our feet. Part of the problem is that we don't actually know what we're getting. It really isn't part of the new fangled approach to be surprised in the delivery room, but more that we had a, well, surprise with Sara. She was supposed to be a boy – two doctors told us so. So we've decided that no matter how much you're prepped, life has its way of throwing a curved ball, so best be prepared for both. Hence we're not asking – there isn't a point since we're supposed to be prepared for either outcome.

We have a few favourites for either sex, but I'm still open to suggestions. I tend to prefer names with biblical references, but am also looking for names with significance. For example, Sara was named after sakura (sans the ku, as according to a crude friend who suggested the ku-ku-jiao flew away) since she was born at the start of the sakura season in Tokyo. Sara is also a variation of Sarah who was the wife of Abraham. The trick now is to come up with something similarly meaningful here, for either a boy or a girl. A tall order and we'll probably give up and just fall back on our favourites, but still, I thought I'd throw the question open and see if anyone had any bright ideas out there. Any suggestions? What are your current favourite names, if you're willing to share?