It don’t matter what it looks like

D: (calls from living room) Hey, you know what Nathan looks like when he crawls?

H: (straining to hear the question over running water in the kitchen sink) Erh, what he looks like? (the word “Quasimodo” forms in head)

D: You know the Hunchback of Notre Dame…?

Yes, we do love him, but we think he looks like Quasimodo when he crawls. You see, he’s got this perculiar one-legged crawl. When he’s on all fours, his right leg swings to the front to pull his body forward. He then rests on his left knee while he swings the right leg forward again. Very inelegant, and yet, he moves like the wind.

I gotta learn how to post videos…

When are you going home?

We’ve fielded this question for a long time now. There isn’t an answer. Like so many others who have left home to work overseas, the jobs that keep us away have no predictability about them. We could be home tomorrow; we could be home in ten years.

For us, it has never been a question of will, but always a question of when. We are both close to our families and as filial children, we believe our place is with our parents. We also want our children to grow up knowing their family – spending time with grandparents and playing with cousins. Living away from home does create an isolation from friends and family that doesn’t affect the children immediately, but will eventually take its toll if we keep on moving the way we do.

I never much cared about moving back to Singapore before we had children. Sure, we knew we would one day, but at that point, I still wanted to keep going, to wring this whole “overseas thing” for what it was worth. I wanted New York, but told Danny Tokyo would be fine. I was joking then, of course, but amazingly we did end up in Tokyo. And I loved it.

Since having children, though, everything changed. I wanted to go home, and at one point, I wanted to go home much sooner rather than later. Extended family help aside, this whole moving-around-like-nomads was wearing thin. It’s easy when you’re packing up your life for two adults. It’s a whole other kettle of fish when you’ve got to worry about the children too. Our decided deadline to return to Singapore has always been when Sara is about to start proper schooling. We want a stable environment for her when she enters Primary One and what better place to do it than at home in Singapore?

Recently, however, we seem to have crossed some threshold point. We were talking about it again, like we always do, and we’re starting to feel like home isn’t really a place anymore. Home has become us – Danny, Sara, Nathan and I. Since moving back to Hong Kong, there’s been little interest to go to Singapore. In fact, I hate going back to Singapore. Just because there’s always a huge rush to get too many things done in too short a time. And I don’t like staying longer because, well, it’s not home. Home is where our lives are, where our things are. Living out of a suitcase for any extended period of time annoys me, more so when I have to do it with two little ones in tow.

Suddenly, there isn’t this push to go back to Singapore anymore. We realized this when we arrived at the conclusion that it now doesn’t really matter that Sara attends school in Singapore or not, but that she attends school somewhere for the longish term. That is to say, that as long as we lived in one place for a reasonable amount of time, it was no longer essential to move back to Singapore.

The family/friends factor, of course, still comes into play. But instead of seeing it as desirable, we’re starting to see it as a double-edged sword. Being back in Singapore means spending a lot more time with family and friends, which is good. It also means losing our personal time, our freedom, which is bad. The one thing we have grown to love in our isolation is our personal space. Sure, it’s all about adjustment and we’ll eventually find some way around it if we move home, but the loss of this space and freedom is certainly something I’m not looking forward to. 

So where’s this meandering musing going? No where, I guess. My answer to the question still hasn’t changed, but my attitude towards it has. When people leave home for so long, what’s home and what’s not changes. Like the true nomads we are, I see that we are already home. There’s no where else to go. Perhaps we will move back to Singapore one day if the opportunity arises, but somehow, I’m not sure I’d look forward to it.

Failure?

Me : *babble babble babble* (in Mandarin)

Sara : Mommy, don’t speak to me in Chinese. I cannot understand you.

Sigh. After all the cartoons, songs, flash videos, Mandarin playgroup sessions and attempts at conversation (Danny and I are unfortunately very lousy, but we figure we should try regardless), she tells me this.

All is not lost yet though. I asked if she wanted something the other day and she spun around and said, “不要!” Maybe she is learning something after all.

Envy

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

- Everyone’s Free (to Use Sunscreen), Baz Lurhman

You’d think I should have gotten past all of it, the envy and jealousy, and yet, here I am. I rationally tell myself there is absolutely nothing to envy about her. I’m sure she has issues too, failures perhaps. In fact, the snarky side of me wishes failures upon her. Yes, very evil, but I am woman after all. 

I know she is not perfect. Far from it, in fact. But still, she is beautiful, with a handsome husband, gorgeous daughter, and a high paying, prestigious job. Maybe there it is – that she was faced with the same decisions I had to make, and chose to continue working, while I chose the housewife route. Sigh – I can’t believe I’m back here again. Still, I sit around wishing she was having a hard time, when in fact, it looks like she isn’t.

This is ridiculous. Why can’t I be happy that things are turning out so well for her?

Change

Change is good, or so they say.

Since 2001, we’ve had major changes every year, be it a new home, a new country, a new  baby, or a new job. Change is the spice of life and as someone wise said, nothing stays the same. I look at 2007 and wonder what change will this year bring. Maybe this will be the year of UNchange. That, my friends, would be a welcome change.

Into the dark ages

Say it with me now.

PCCW* S-U-C-K-S. Big time.

Since Taiwan’s Boxing Day earthquake (and the subsequent damage to those all important undersea cables), I’ve had access to my email once. ONCE. Five days after. Since that one time, I’ve not been able to get in – sometimes it hangs logging in, other times I can’t even get to the login page. One time, I did manage to get in, only to see all my new mail, but not be able to open anything.

Damn. I mean, this is serious withdrawal I’m having here. To see all that new mail waiting and not being able to open it. *hands quivering*

Access to my blog’s been only slightly better. Today’s the second time I’ve been able to SEE my blog. Today’s the first time I’m attempting to post. I only hope it works.

The papers say it’ll be mid-Jan before the “sluggishness” in traffic clears. Mid-Jan??!?!?!?! My whole life would’ve passed me by by then.  

Sheesh. The rest of Asia’s gotten up and gone on with life, while I’ve been chucked back into the dark ages. It’ll be a wonder if the terrorists out there haven’t already hatched a new plan to bring the Western world to its knees.

* PCCW is my internet provider. Go figure.