Smug

You’d be too if you got this many balloons.

Hello?? Are you still there??

Well, yes I am. Although most of you who read this actually know me in person and will know that I haven’t actually popped yet.

I have reached the point of being anxious to get this little one out, as well as anxious that this little one stays in for a little while longer. The discomfort at this current point is not just annoying – it’s downright tedious. Every little twinge that vaguely feels like a contraction makes me sit up and time it. Only to find that there isn’t a follow up contraction and that it was maybe just a more vigorous Braxton-Hicks contraction. I am plagued by the fear of painless contractions and unknown progressing dilation. It has, in recent days, occured to me that I really could have very little time between feeling regular contractions to pushing the baby out. I mean, how else do women end up delivering at home or in the car or cab? They’re not stupid – they just don’t feel anything. And while that in itself is a fear, the fact that I could get this baby out “just like that” is also a good thing. Means a lot less fussing about the birthing process and moving straight into the “how the hell am I going to juggle three kids now” mode.

And then there’s that part of me that’s keeping all fingers and toes crossed. This baby can’t come out now (and the fact that I keep repeating this mantra means that Murphy will get this baby coming really soon). I’ve planned way too much in the next few weeks to be interrupted by something as earth-moving as having a child. Baby is only allowed to come right at the end. When I’m full term. Not a few weeks earlier. This, I suppose, is the problem with being the type of anal-retentive scheduler that I am. I’ve got everything planned right up to the end. S and N were all carried to term (or near full-term, in N’s case), so there’s supposed to be no reason this one should come any earlier.

But, as D always says, Murphy loves a good foil and here I am, all set up to challenge Murphy’s Law. Statistically speaking, I’m very likely to lose.

And so it’s a cat-and-mouse game of waiting-not-waiting for the baby. In the meantime, I continue to work tirelessly to clear all paperwork before baby comes. Yes, true to style, I am working against time to have my desk clear of annoying chores before baby comes.

Yes, I am insane. I know it.

Ongoing lessons

In parenthood, that’s what.

In the past couple of months, S has gradually morphed into something I can’t figure out how to handle. While she is still a sweet little girl at times, she is also turned into a bad-tempered, smart-talking, disrespectful little mutt. Where once I was able to get her to put a lid on all her nonsense, I find she is challenging me more and more.

And she’s not even five. Can you imagine what this will all be like in ten years? Or even five years?

I’ve come to terms with the fact that S and I are very different. Our personalities are miles apart. I’ve also learnt that effective parenting is about having a parenting style that suits the temperament of the child, and that there isn’t just one blanket approach. After all, not all children are compliant. 

Even as our frequent power struggles play out, I know that I am losing control of the situation. I’m just not handling the outburst right. Some say I’m too strict, or that I yell too much, or that perhaps I am, conversely, too permissive. I think I’m too inconsistent and I lose my temper too quickly to rationally decide how best to deal with an outburst. She annoys me so much I end up saying things I cannot follow through on. This lack of follow-through leads S to believe she can still get away with it or push the limit further.

Of course, this all comes at a dreadful time given that we are about to add to our household, but it is a fact of our lives. Learning to discipline and guide our children is an ongoing process and unfortunately, new baby notwithstanding, this is something I’m going to have to work out now if I don’t want it to damage our relationship in the long run.

S is still very sweet and I know she knows she makes me upset, because strangely enough, it upsets her to know that I’m angry with her. And yet her pride and stubborness prevent her from backing down whenever there is conflict. So now we have to work to forge a new understanding, so that we don’t let things deteriorate any further.

Yes, all this before we even enter the uncommunicative stage of teenagehood, but better we take a step to resolve things now than to go down a path from which we cannot return.